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Change the tone of responding | |
Plan appropriate responding in advance, such as "thanks for your ideas, I will think about it" or "let's talk about something else". | Adult can figure out if they are meaningful problems and how to address them and then think of new topics of conversation. |
Every time the parent makes a suggestion, the adult engages in a small preset action before speaking—such as standing up, taking a sip of water, or writing one word on a pad. | Replace the defensive reply with a standardized, low-arousal response pattern. |
Conversation in person instead | Ask for a solution to a problem rather than pointing it out |
Change the subject to ask what they are doing this weekend. | |
Don't respond | Ask for suggestions |
Opposite action - when feeling defensive, be curious | Have the listener reinforce curious responses by answering genuinely |
Restate parent concern | |
Use speaker phone, or video phone instead. | Take a deep breath and validate |
take a breath before responding | DRO |
Take a deep breath before replying | Practiced what to say |
As soon as you hear a suggestion that triggers something, take a deep breath and a sip of water and put the phone on mute and tell yourself outloud that the problem doesnt define you. | If the suggestions are not helpful, you can have a conversation with the parent about how it is unpleasant to always hear criticism |
Changing the way feedback is delivered. Mention that they need assistance with problem-solving versus criticizing work. | |
Have conversations via text. When the parent makes a suggestion or hints at a problem, get a drink of water. | Practice scripts to use when a parent makes a suggestion or hints at a problem. |
Replace defensive language with "I love you too, mom\dad" | Make suggestions about parents lives |
Ask questions instead of statements, ask the adult what they think about the situation let them identify the problem | Having them choose solutions/goals to solve problem |
3 deep breaths before responding. | move to ending phone call |
Ask them what they had for dinner | Ask if they want to talk about the problem now or schedule a time to talk later |
Counting to 10 before responding or communicate through email or in person | interruption |
Text instead of phone call | Being proactive by reviewing coping skills to handle the feelings of wanting to respond defensively |
vb | vb |
Ask them for an idea to help resolve the issue | Ask for their input and list out options that they could choose |
When feeling defensive- mention that they have to revisit this later to provide time to deliberate response. | |
Writing a note as the parent talks versus responding write away, and then take a deep breath and if time is needed prior to responding say "Let me do research and discuss with my team and I will get back to you in regards to that." | Deep breathing and allowing time to respond to parent. |
Talk through the situation, what is working and what is not working to see what can be changed in the future. | |
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